How do you go about creating a new law? Petition members of parliament? Get some like-minded people together and protest in the streets? Start a Facebook group? However you go about it, I’m there: the need to ban films such as Max Payne, or rather the process that gets them into cinemas, is urgently needed for the good of society.
I don’t know what goes on behind the oak panelled doors of Hollywood movie studios, but whatever it is that leads executives to commit millions of dollars and hundreds of man hours to the production of scripts like Payne’s should really be a thing of the past.
One of the latest films to beggar belief, Max Payne stars Mark Wahlberg as the titular character, a hard-boiled cop whose wife and child have been killed, leaving him searching his city for clues about whodunnit.
From here the plot gets a little murky, with something about a new drug hitting the streets and a conspiracy that involves appearances from Bond girl Olga Kurylenko, ex-Robin Chris O’Donnell and Beau Bridges as Payne’s boss.
Clearly bored out of his mind for the duration of the film, Wahlberg makes for a lifeless leading man, failing to inspire any energy in his co-stars or the audience.
Rather than scenes unfolding they simply happen, a string of not-very-interesting and badly paced events strung together with little thought of whether they add to the plot.
In its favour, the film does look impressive, the colour palette shifting constantly. Snow can often be seen fluttering across the skyline of the city while oranges and yellow looking impressive as they flare across the camera lens.
Should my proposed law ever be passed, director John Moore will be one of the first on the stand. In his defence he will surely cite the film’s glossy look as its main success, as anyone claiming the rest of the picture has any redeeming qualities will be in the cells within minutes.
Max Payne is released on DVD on 13 April 2009.